


Push the Limits

by robotkeychain



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide, really old writing, stuck in an elevator!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 07:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6275305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotkeychain/pseuds/robotkeychain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>based off of the prompt <a href="http://officialdokyungsoo.info/post/89082943504">here</a>. An au where Jongin and Kyungsoo are strangers who get stuck on an elevator in their less than efficient apartment building. In their time of bonding, Kyungsoo learns why Jongin was headed for the top floor to get to the roof. Jongin learns why Kyungsoo was going to go for a walk to the nearest bridge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Push the Limits

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me, transferring my works onto my ao3 account~  
> Originally posted July 15, 2014

_"Take my ring, Jongin."_

2:03

He glances at his alarm clock, making sure he stays up past midnight. It's fairly easy to, though, when he's reliving his worst nightmare.

_"What?! No! I- no- I can't!"_

He glances down at the note for his parents after he's gone. It's blank.

_Jongin feels the cold metal being pressed into his palm, anyway, as the tears he has tried to hold back start to fall._

He stands and walks to the door. The wedding ring lies next to his keys. He hesitates before deciding not to take it.

_He squeezes Junmyeon's hand harder, bringing it up to his cheek. Jongdae's shouts and the ambulance sirens can be heard in the background._

_"You're going to kill me with that grip of yours," Junmyeon jokes. His laugh comes out as a bloody cough and Jongin has never been more terrified in his life._

_"Don't..." a shuddering breath, "please don't joke about that."_

He goes to the elevator in long, confident strides. Even though he's screaming and shaking inside, he won't let it show. He needs to be sure of himself; there's no turning back from this.

_Junmyeon smiles. "Find someone to give that ring to, okay? I'm sure Jongdae can play the role of the protective older brother for me."_

_The said man is now grasping Junmyeon's other hand, trying unsuccessfully to muffle his sobs. Someone places their hand on Jongin's shoulder and a stretcher is laid down. Jongin slowly lets go of his hand. The last thing he sees is Jongdae get into the ambulance with Junmyeon before everything fades to black._

Jongin has it more or less planned out: he would go onto the rooftop when it is most peaceful and jump. He has nothing else to live for, no one close enough to truthfully call a friend and definitely no more family members that care. The only one who could make him reconsider is gone. Junmyeon, his older brother, is dead and it hadn't really sunk into Jongin until three days ago, during his funeral. It felt like being stabbed right in the heart, like he had also died. He feels like a walking corpse and does the only thing he deems reasonable. Jongin plans out his suicide. He plans it out so that if he changes his mind halfway through, it'll be too late.

Jongin walks to the elevator and notices another man already inside, arms wrapped around his body as he sits in the corner. Jongin pauses before stepping inside. He nervously presses his fingers against the picture in his pocket out of habit and waits for the doors to close. Once it does, Jongin reaches forward and presses the button to the highest floor, the tenth floor.

The elevator groans once, twice, three times before slowly moving upwards. The man suddenly looks up, the elevator's change of direction startling him. His eyes lock with Jongin's and Jongin immediately looks away. He just wants to go to the roof in peace.

Unfortunately, Jongin has never really gotten what he wants.

The elevator stops between floors five and six. The entire thing shudders and the lights flicker before going off completely. The emergency lights turn on and everything is shrouded in red. Jongin takes in harsh breaths. The red reminds him of blood, death, funerals, and _so, so much blood..._

He abruptly sits down and shuts his eyes, shoving his hands into his pocket. Jongin grips the picture, trying not to think of the accident. Flashes end up being projected in his mind and Jongin feels the familiar tightening of his throat as he unintentionally lets out a choked sob.

"Are... are you okay?" Jongin slowly looks up to the other's face near his, a hand hovering over his shoulder. The elevator is illuminated by another light, overpowering the red. Jongin can see the man's features haloed by the light and, miraculously, instantly calms. He takes in a deep breath and the man sits back, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. An awkward silence descends on the pair and Jongin slowly inches toward a corner of the elevator. His back presses near the front of the lift and he reaches over to press the emergency button even though he knows it's useless at this time. No one is awake at 2 am.

Jongin presses his head onto the wall and closes his eyes, shoving his hands into his pockets. He slides his fingers against... nothing. Jongin's eyes immediately open and he grips his front pockets harder. He bolts upright and frantically starts searching all of his pockets, muttering denials as panic rises within him. The other sees his distress and tentatively asks, "What's wrong?"

"My picture, I don't- I can't-" Jongin's hands skim the floor hurriedly. He can't seem to find it, not when the only real light source is the man's phone.

"Hey, hey. It's going to be fine, okay?" Jongin feels a hand on his shoulder rubbing soothing circles into his skin. "I'm going to help you find it."

Jongin doesn't realize the man has found the picture until he waves it in front of his face. He breathes a sigh of relief and immediately takes it. Jongin pulls the other into a hug, bending down slightly to burrow his head into his neck.

"Thank you." It comes out muffled, but the message still gets across. He steps away before the other can respond and thrusts out his hand. "I'm Jongin."

The man furrows his eyebrows and smiles, his mouth forming a heart. Jongin's heart lurches at the sight.

"Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo takes his hand, giving it a firm shake. Jongin slowly unfolds his picture and gestures toward the other. "Want to see?" He hesitates before nodding and shuffling closer.

The photo consists of two males, both with wide smiles, posing in front of a theater. Their arms are thrown over the other's shoulders and Jongin can't help the grin that slowly spreads across his face. He points at the taller one holding a bouquet. "That's me and," his finger shifts to the shorter man with a smile even brighter than the other's, "that's Junmyeon, my older brother. This was after my first dance showcase."

"Who's taking the picture?" Kyungsoo asks, leaning in to see better.

"Jongdae. Junmyeon is married to him." Jongin's smile falters and he bites his bottom lip. "Was."

Kyungsoo glances up. "Was?"

"Junmyeon, he um..." He coughs and tightens his grip on the picture. "He died."

Kyungsoo's hand comes up to cover Jongin's. He can feel it shaking and starts to unclench Jongin's left hand, unrolling his fingers one by one. Kyungsoo then laces their fingers together. His eyes never leave their joined hands, even when he blurts, "My mom died. Her funeral was last night. So, I know how you feel."

Jongin's laugh is bitter and hollow in Kyungsoo's ears. He never wants to hear that sound again. "At least you weren't the cause of their death."

Kyungsoo squeezes Jongin's hand once and watches as his skin pales momentarily before returning to normal.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that."

Kyungsoo feels Jongin's fingers tighten around his own and glances up. "I'll go first." He sits, forcing Jongin to follow.

"Where should I start?"

Jongin doesn't answer, just places his head on Kyungsoo's shoulder. Kyungsoo covers their entwined hands with his other and sighs.

"When I was little, I had a best friend. Kim Minseok. He lived next door to me, and we would constantly play. It was fun, really, especially since I only had my mom as company. Then, about a week ago, I found this photo album. I knew I shouldn't have been looking at it; it was hidden in her room. I saw pictures of my mom and I, when I was very young. And she... she was pregnant. She wasn't smiling in many of the pictures and even had black clothes on in some. I assumed my father had recently died and that she had a miscarriage, because, well, I didn't have a brother or a sister.

"Then, near the back of the album, I see a picture of my mom carrying a baby. I knew it wasn't me because the date on it was two years after I was born. So, I confronted my mom about it. Turns out, I do have a sibling. A brother, actually. And that I've already met him. Is best friends with him, even." Kyungsoo grips Jongin's hand harder and takes in a shaky breath. Jongin lifts his head up and starts to rub circles into his hand.

"Minseok," Jongin murmurs and Kyungsoo nods.

"My mother gave her second child away to complete _strangers_. I'd never been more pissed off in my life. I didn't- I _wouldn't fucking let myself_ understand why she did that. But, I understand now. She was a recently widowed pregnant mother. She knew she couldn't provide for three of us, and gave her child to a family that could." Kyungsoo's eyes flicker down and he clenches his jaw. "I wish I knew that earlier."

"My mom calls me a day or two after I find out. She apologizes, multiple times, but I'm being a goddamn prick and I ignore her. I hang up, but not after saying she's a terrible mother. And, if that doesn't make you realize how much of an asshole I am, I also said I wished I was the child she gave away." Kyungsoo lifts his knees up and hugs them with one arm. Jongin pries his hand away from Kyungsoo's and instead wraps his arm around him.

"She killed herself that night. Neighbors said they heard a gunshot and called the police." He rests his head on Jongin's shoulder and closes his eyes, tears threatening to spill. "I don't even have the guts to tell Minseok. He's so happy with his life right now; he's got a steady relationship, great friends, and he's about to graduate from college. I don't want to ruin that. I would rather just... disappearing from his life."

Tears fall freely from Kyungsoo's face. He makes no move to wipe them away.

"That's why... that's why I'm going to the Brooklyn Bridge. I-" his fingers tighten around his legs, "it reminds me of my mom."

Jongin inwardly sighs, but doesn't push it. He can tell Kyungsoo is lying. Jongin feels an arm nudge him and he glances down at Kyungsoo's face. "Your turn."

Jongin pulls Kyungsoo closer and wonders where to begin.

"Well, you know about Junmyeon. He was older than me by three years. He was the perfect child, really; school president, valedictorian, nice, caring and just, well, perfect. Then there's me, who tries so hard to live up to my parents' expectations, but can't. Naturally, I was envious of Junmyeon. He was effortlessly the best, while I had to try my hardest to be even slightly close to that. But I never hated him. I couldn't, not when he constantly stood up for me when my parents yelled at me, or when he snuck me into my first dance showcase, and the rest that followed, because my parents didn't want me dancing and, in their words, 'becoming a fag'. Then Jongdae came along. He and Junmyeon met in high school and I swear my brother hated him so much when they first met. But, something happened, something not even Junmyeon would tell me, and they never left each other's side after.

"Two years ago, I got an invitation to a wedding. Their wedding. I didn't know Junmyeon was dating Jongdae, but I suspected something. I was happy for them, of course, and went to the wedding. My parents weren't there and I was grateful. They never seemed to be fond the idea of a same-sex couple. Then, a week ago, Junmyeon came over for our monthly family dinner, and brought Jongdae. He introduced him as his husband. Do you know what they said?" Jongin feels Kyungsoo's hand slide into his own and forces himself to calm down. "They asked him why they weren't invited to the wedding. Can you imagine? For years my parents told me that I couldn't pursue dance because it would make me gay and they didn't want that. I hated myself so much when I found out I was gay because I had disappointed them again. But, suddenly, Junmyeon comes along and outs himself during dinner, and they become the supporting, loving parents I wish I had." Jongin's fingers tighten around Kyungsoo's.

"I immediately stood up and left. I was so fucking disgusted and furious at my parents. My brother followed me out, with Jongdae following him. Everything is kind of a blur after that. I turned around, in the middle of the street, and shouted at Junmyeon. I let my anger out at the wrong person and there isn't a moment that goes by where I don't regret that. What's worse is that I don't even remember what I said." Jongin's eyes start to water and he closes them, tears slipping out.

"I remember the hurt expression Junmyeon had on, one that _I caused_. I remember that flicker of panic in his eyes as he looked to my left before determination set in. I remember him running towards me and how it felt when the wind was knocked out of me as I hit the ground. I remember the screech of those goddamn tires and Jongdae's screaming. I still have the wedding ring he gave me, after I got up and ran to his body. I can sometimes hear that _fucking stupid_ and _lame_ joke he made, like the ones he would make whenever he's trying to cheer me up." Jongin takes in a shuddering breath as Kyungsoo wipes the tears off of his cheeks. "I remember how his blood looked like and how he was trying to comfort Jongdae. I blacked out after I saw him go inside an ambulance. I woke up in a hospital two days later. He already died. His funeral was three days ago. Jongdae came up to me, and _hugged_ me. I felt terrible, because he was Junmyeon's _husband_. I should've been comforting him. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he forgives me, that there are no alternate universes where Junmyeon is alive because he would always save me, no matter what. But if I hadn't been such an idiot, if I didn't get upset over something like that, if I just _looked at where I was walking,_ he would be alive. What's the point of being forgiven if you can't even forgive yourself?

"So that's why I want to go to the roof. I don't want to remember all of this anymore. If I just kill myself, I won't have to live with the guilt and the memory of killing my own brother."

Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo's hand as if to comfort himself. "What about you, Kyungsoo?"

He looks at Jongin, confused. "Me?"

"What are you really going to do when you get to the bridge?" Jongin asks, even though he knows the answer.

Kyungsoo hesitates before answering, "Throw myself off it." He shrugs, his averting gaze betraying his nonchalant mask. "I planned it out so that if I change my mind halfway through," Kyungsoo fidgets and stares down at their hands, "it'll be too late."

The words are like a punch in the gut to Jongin.

"Don't." Jongin blurts. The elevator is suddenly pitch black. The emergency lights had turned off a while ago and Kyungsoo's phone just lost all of its battery.

He huffs out a bit of laughter and Jongin can practically _hear_ Kyungsoo roll his eyes. "Hypocrite."

Jongin turns his face to where Kyungsoo's voice came from. "What?"

"You heard me." He shifts and tries to look at Jongin. "You're a hypocrite because you're telling me not to kill myself even though you're about to do the same exact thing. Am I wrong?"

Jongin opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by the elevator lights flickering on. He looks to Kyungsoo in shock and belatedly realizes how close they are to each other. Both of their faces heat up and Jongin attempts to move away. Something tugs at his left arm and he sees their entwined hands. They let go, almost reluctantly, and Kyungsoo stands up. He reaches out his hand to Jongin and pulls him up. Kyungsoo goes and picks up his phone from the ground as the elevator starts to move again. It stops and opens at the sixth floor. Kyungsoo steps out.

"Wait!" Jongin shouts, holding the elevator door open. He turns and quirks an eyebrow at him, the corner of his mouth upturned.

"Promise me you won't kill yourself, Kyungsoo."

He tilts his head slightly. "Well, what about you, Jongin? You also have to promise me you won't kill yourself."

Jongin holds out his pinky and Kyungsoo laughs. His heart beats faster at the sound as a smile forms on his own face. "Come on. Humor me."

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but a grin is still on his face as he links their pinkies together. Their thumbs touch briefly before they let go.

"I live in apartment 311." Jongin says in a rush. "If you ever want to talk, or anything."

Kyungsoo gives a heart shaped smile and Jongin hasn't been this happy in over a week. "603. And... thank you, Jongin. I would be drowning in the East River if it weren't for you."

"And I would be a pancake next to the apartment if it weren't for you. Thank you, Kyungsoo. Really, take me up on my offer for a chat sometime. Goodnight."

Kyungsoo waves before turning and walking to his door. Jongin presses the button for the third floor and doesn't fight the large grin spreading across his face.

He enters his apartment and changes into a tank and boxers. Jongin gets into bed and glances at his alarm clock.

4:24


End file.
